Saying Goodbyes

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This is a reaction to my dear friend Leyna's blog saying:

"It seems this is a season for goodbyes. I wonder who or what else I should bid farewell to. But since my goodbyes have always been unrefined, I will not even attempt to try."

Saying "bye", even if we use the prefix "good" is always the saddest thing to do. Bidding farewell to someone of great importance to our lives, brings not only pain, but doubts and fears for the future, and a nagging question would be-What lies ahead without her/him/them? Things will never be like what it was before, and whether we accept it or not, we will miss the person who has made us very happy,miserable or perhaps both. Somehow, i learned to say my own "goodbyes" and to euphemise the pain, i tried to classify them as either "temporary" or "permanent".

Arguably, there is no proper or improper, refined or unrefined way to say goodbye. It usually depends on the situation and the person/s whom we are saying goodbye to. For always, saying goodbye to someone you once loved, still love, once loved you, still loves you and whether or not he/she is doing so because he/she has made a choice or caught up in a situation where probably bidding farewell is the most practical, honourable or "best" thing to do "for now " is undoubtedly never easy.

Saying goodbye rips the heart bringing pains for being away physically, geographically, legally, emotionally, etc. And the feeling of loss is universal whether the person we say goodbye to- is a friend, family, lover, husband or wife. Even the loss of a much loved pet brings sadness.

Few years back, i dropped everything to say my goodbye to a beloved friend. We did theater productions together, sang together, and i cheered while she danced which she did best. We are each other's favourites and during rehearsals and actual performances we made it a point to find out how the other is going. Occasionally, we meet in the little park, would take a walk and talk about anything under the sun- which both bother and delight us. While queueing up for the commencement exercises, we had our picture taken together. She noted that outside the official photographer, probably it will only the candid shot that she had so i better give her a copy. I said "yes i will."

Surprisingly, we met again in our favourite park few days after. We hugged each other tightly, exchanged our parents' home addresses and i remember the cheerful tone of her voice saying " Write me, write me!". "Of course, I will" i replied. We parted ways wishing each other of dreams coming true, of happy love stories to tell each other when we get to see each other again.

I went back to my parent's home catching up with my siblings for the years i have been away, then got a job in the big city while she got hers too. My first job gave me lots of excitement in discovering new things, people, situations. Truly the "real world" has lots of lessons to offer. I became extremely busy, climbing up the corporate ladder faster beyond any expectations. But there were downsides. Instead of dining out and having fun with friends of my age i attended dinner and business meetings with people half of my age. Sadly, with my workload i have to temporarily stop singing with my church choir and bond with my closest friends.

I had the picture printed few days after our graduation but was unable to write the accompanying letter- it was intended for "snail mail" so i postponed sending it. Few days after, I got to write the letter, sealed the envelope and wrote her home address and lo, it's ready for mailing. When i rang her on Christmas eve, i promised to send that picture soon, so she better buy a frame for it. (I am a very traditional person, and at that time, i did not consider that e-mails can touch the same personal way as the traditional mails do). I was caught up again with work, unable to go to the post or request someone to do so for the printed pictures to reach her. I was hoping to just give it to her personally when we get the to meet again.

Not long after, news of accident spread at work- it turned out that my friend's mother has worked with the same company where i was doing my first job, and my immediate superior, a vice president knew her closely. I shivered in disbelief to find out that the eldest daughter who perished in the accident is my dear friend, along with her two other friends- while driving back home from a reunion.

She did not have the chance to see that photo in print. Feeling very bad, i asked for a leave which my boss readily granted. I opted to go and see my friend's remains alone so immediately rode the bus for the "reunion". I wanted to go there alone and knowing how popular and much loved she is, i silently wished that there would be fewer people upon my arrival at the viewing chapel. Silently looking at the picture placed on top of her coffin and her face, she is still as lovely as the time we last hugged each other. I was trembling but i have to bid goodbye to her, cried as silently as i can, apologised for not sending the picture that she had asked for, cried some more as it finally sank in to me that i will never see her again. As tears were still falling, it seemed to me that she smiled, the memories of bidding our then temporary goodbyes at the park coming back. Many people came soon so i slowly wiped my tears away and sat quietly in the corner. I hardly slept that night.

I tried to go as early as i can for the funeral rites, found my way to talk to her mom and finally, gave her the printed photo. She profusedly thanked and hugged me tight. I was relieved. Her Mom was very accepting enough when she said to those who joined them at the rites that her little girl is happy because many people came, and despite the cause of her death she was thankful of the years, that this girl was entrusted to her by the Maker. The host was looking at me while asking if there were other friends who would like to say something about her- i lost for words, so i refused to give a eulogy. Joining my thespian circle of friends after the rites, i immediately realised the void she left. Grieving from her "sudden" passing away, and still guilty for being slack in fulfilling a promise, i took the bus rides everytime "i feel like it", to visit her grave bringing white roses that i knew she likes so much. It took some time until i felt really a lot better.

Her departure in this world has ferociously taught me not to procrastinate, not to say a promise i can hardly keep, and to say goodbye no matter how or what. I try doing it through a simple note, a message on one's mobile phone , an e-mail or the traditional way of giving a kiss and a tight hug given the chance. Since then, i made it a point to say my goodbyes, no matter how awkward it would be, with the thought that being all transients in this world, i might not be able to see her/him/them or he/she/ they might not see me alive again. I have read sometime ago that one way of being kind to others is treating people as if it is your last day on earth. I still do not practice this all the time though, only " when i feel like it" but i make it a point to say my goodbyes, regardless.

Saying goodbye surely brings pain and loss- the degree of which depends on how such person have touched our lives. It is a very difficult thing to say and do but doing so trancends to peace of mind(no regrets or few regrets maybe) and it is like unloading a heavy luggage to make our travel easier. I have always struggled to say my own goodbyes, whether it may be the " temporary" or "permanent" ones. Yet i discovered that doing so, has always been-a liberating experience.

Say your goodbyes Leyna- no matter how hard or awkward or improper it would seem to be. Who knows- it would be a lovely surprise to see her/him/them again- if not on earth, maybe in heaven.

As for me Leyna, i did not say goodbye to you yet- because i will find my way to see you again, soon.