Memories

working with a potter to create a vase

the beach

a road less travelled

the tree house

picked cherries

swimming with the birds

winter break

enchanting wildflowers

the sky and the coconuts

bits and pieces of memories, making me smile

"Scattered pictures, Of the smiles we left behind Smiles we gave to one another For the way we were Can it be that it was all so simple then?"

- sung by Barbara Streisand, " The Way We Were" movie directed by Sydney Pollack, 1973

Last night, I was reading the day's paper from the first to the last page as a part of my bedtime regimen in the city when this song was played. Until few years ago, i thought that the song's title was "Memories". Regardless of the title, the lines are simple yet beautiful and suddenly i saw tears fell- right on the page where i was. I am aware that Sydney Pollack, director of the film where the soundtrack has been sung just passed away on the 26th, yet the reason behind the little tears is probably a mixture of sorts- of the way i was.

It has been around ten months since i went through an emotional turmoil, rooted out of deep concern-and i had a good cry in the shoulder of a woman i just met hours earlier.( The last time i had such almost similar situation was four years ago and i loved my Mummy Henny more after that camping trip, where conversations in the bonfire led to the traumatic verbal abuse i experienced in a tram stop, in a place where talking on top of your voice is already offending. I refused to talk about such incident and preferred hanging around in the casino than spark a pending "war among the batches" in a very small community where everybody knows everybody. I opted to be quiet, shunned parties and nurtured the pains alone rather than be involved in a " petty scandal" with such person who frequently invited me to her bible studies which i always refused, yet i had looked up as an elder sister and "mama' when we were close. It pained me to discover that she hated me because i cared enough to warn her upon seeing "danger signs". Mummy Henny who quietly watched me dealing with it wanted me to let it out-to cry out the pains i have been keeping deep inside for a year. I was even surprised hearing myself cry that much but yes, releasing the pains mas made me feel a lot better and moving on was a lot easier. I slowly went back to my usual self after, smiled more often, talked candidly as i did, and sang at parties again. )

Now back to the more recent incident ten months ago. Confusion, anger and sorrow filled me i needed to breath some sort of fresh air , so i went out for a walk. It was during this time that i met this admirable woman. I was yearning for a neutral listener and she cared so much to listen, even though at that time, she had her own woes too, of greater importance from mine. I felt the relief of it all when i cried to her in reckless abandon and never cared about what the other people in front of us would say. Crying in public has been a taboo for me- i prefer crying in my room or while looking at the vast ocean, wishing to give my pains to the waves hoping that they be buried in the depths of the sea. Just like what happened to me and mummy hen, this bit of memory has then become unforgettable that we bonded like family- she now calls me "swettie" and i call her "auntie". I shed my final tears over such brouhaha when the plane took off from that place which i refuse to go back to-until i am totally healed and ready to be hurt again.

I am thankful for these memories for significant reasons and lessons. First, I had a new aunt whose words serving like balm i still vividly remember "Do not be soured by the experience," when i wanted to be bitter and withdrawn. Second, I got the chance to know a dear friend (who stood by me through it all) a lot better, and most importantly, reminded me to give myself the love and care that i deserve which i now religiously do (for in my efforts to make my loved ones happy, sometimes i deny myself in the process). Third, I reconnected and created a stronger bond with two dear friends who has been with me through that incident and beyond. Fourth, i had the privilege of meeting a new friend who willingly listened, never judged quickly and even though we briefly said our hi's and hellos prior to that, i felt very comfortable telling anything as if we had known each other for years. Fifth, i learned to get hold of my emotions over issues as i have always dealt everything in the past based on "what i feel". Three old friends/confidants enjoyed analysing the why's behind my "troubles", they try their best to convince me with various arguments until i start listening. They remind me that i readily give my opinions about political, economic and social concerns, trivial or big matters yet i "shut down" when it involves the people i dearly love. Now i can keep things to myself and do the "analysis" and 'judgment" on my own. My old friends in turn are missing the "entertainment" i had always given them in such situations but they are happy for me. Finally, I have realised that i can be severely hurt by anybody that i love/d so much but over time, to forgive and to forget is part of the necessary process in moving on and becoming happy again.

Most of the time, memories bring mixed emotions which could be aptly described as "sappy". Surprisingly, i can now separate the sad from the happy ones. I chose to remember the happy ones, and quickly after hearing the last few lines of the song , i found myself smiling again.

I miss the people who made me cry, those who listened and comforted me. Collectively, their memories make me happy. I cannot assert myself though, if these (and other memories i cannot yet share) and the people that i met along the way has made me a worse or a better person. However, i am thankful because they have helped me to become a totally different person- from the way i was.