"Loved you enough"

flowers for Mom

I first read this poetry few days before Valentine and I wanted to give tribute on mother's day with such poem in mind. Wanting to find out who the author is, I surfed the web when I had the chance, he/she opted to be Anonymous, (http://www.reading-ease.com/articles/poem-for-mothers-day.html.) As I painfully watch the anguish in every mother's eyes in Sichuan (adhering to the China's one-child policy) deeply mourning for the loss of their only offspring who perished in the intensity 7.9 earthquake as they attend classes in the substandardly built school buildings on May 12, few days after the Myanmar catastrophe, I thought about this poem again. This is a tribute to all mothers whom this poem is dedicated, and even though ringing my mom on mother's day has made her happy, I am still writing this primarily for her.

Poem for Mother's Day (Anonymous)
I loved you enough to insist you buy a bike with your own money that we could afford and you couldn't;
I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover your handpicked friend was a creep;

I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your bedroom, a job that would have taken me fifteen minutes;
I loved you enough to say, "Yes, you may go to Disney World on Mother's Day";
I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, mistrust and tears in my eyes;
I loved you enough not to make excuses for your lack of respect or you bad manners;
I loved you enough to admit that I was wrong and ask your forgiveness;

I loved you enough to ignore "what every other mother" did or said;
I loved you enough to let you stumble, fall, hurt and fail;

I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your own actions, at 6, 10, and 16;

I loved you enough to figure you would lie about the party being chaperoned but forgave you for it after discovering I was right;

I loved you enough to shove you off my lap, let go of your hand, be mute to your pleas and insensitive to your demands...so that you had to stand alone;

I loved you enough to accept you for what you are, not what I wanted you to be;
But most of all, I loved you enough to say "no" when you hated me for it.
THAT WAS THE HARDEST PART OF ALL.

Simple yet moving, the last couple of lines struck me the most. Growing up, dad was my favourite and I disliked mom for being strict. She has been consistent in saying 'no" despite my endless efforts to persuade her to say "yes". My simplistic definition of love was - " if you love me, you will give in to my requests to make me happy." I wanted everything I wished for- to be fulfilled as soon as possible. My father would try all his best and all his might to lovingly oblige in fulfilling anything that we, his children would wish for. While my mother the disciplinarian taught obedience, father brought us up "democratically" and encouraged us to express what we think and stand for what we believed in. Teaching us to be confident, Dad has been supportive, going with us along the way- whichever way we want to take. Coming from varied/opposite upbringing, discussions between them on the "right" way to parenting has been a regular scenario. Just like any other parents, they tried to provide material, emotional and spiritual nourishment until we became "responsible adults". Both taught us that anything material could be enjoyed while it lasts, but since we are transients of this world, "we cannot take anything of material value with us to our graves." While my father did community service, my mother touched other people's lives in a more personal way, demonstrating the idea of "sharing what we have no matter how little" instead of "sharing your extras". Sometimes this brings me the surprise of seeing the new dress that i did not care to try upon, being worn by another child that my mom made happier, or arriving home from school to find out that my "sweets" were already "shared" with other kids i hardly knew that she willingly took from the streets so they can teach them the alphabet, counting or just simply read them stories. At the start it was upsetting but after some time i did not mind at all.

When I left home for college, although excited about my new found "independence", i began to realise how my mom loved me enough to say no. Growing up in a sheltered environment is like a fish living in an aquarium then suddenly brought into the ocean. Even though I resent my mom for being strict, I love it when she tucks me to bed at night and hugs me to sleep everytime i become ill and wakes me up to drink my hot milk if i forgot to do so. It was when i started living in my own apartment, doing the housekeeping, shopping and cooking for myself while studying overseas that i completely understood why my mom loved me enough to say '"no".

I tried to bear my pains brought by failed relationship/s gracefully. The first time I was affected by a failed friendship, my mom comforted me saying " It will be alright- you are loved so much, we- your family are always here for you and always remember that there's Someone up there who cares for you. " During the succeeding emotional crises that I have went through, those words seemed like a sweet music replaying to remind me-be still, springing hope from within.

I have a huge learning curve in losing material things- wallets, bags, mobile phones, jewelries, etc. in various and bizarre conditions but I already learned a coping mechanism for such losses. Although I have disagreed to her beliefs and ideas many times over, Mom has tried her best to teach me and my siblings not to be attached to "treasures on earth" too much.

Some friends tell me that I can only completely understand my mother and all mothers out there once i become a mom myself. I am both thrilled and scared by the possibility of being one. Would it be both challenging and fulfilling? Will I be the ever doting mom as I am always been the pampering aunt? In this modern world where adoptive, surrogate and single mothers are happy regardless- one does not necessarily go through the biological process of being a mom- if she can love people like my mom did, and still do.

Although I appreciate having the second sunday of May as the Mother's day celebration throughout the world, I think everyday is worth a celebration for them. To my biological mom, those who had been and always be like a mother to me in many ways, my mummy Henny and to all who enjoy the gift, privilege and responsibility of being a mother, three cheers for you-Happy Mother's Day!!!