"watching people in St Kilda Beach", by orange tulip
A friend loveth at all times
-the Holy Bible
Today is Primo's birthday. It is also the 60th anniversary of the United Nations declaration of the Universal Charter of Human Rights. I take time to appreciate Primo for practically granting me all my rights to express myself. I would not dwell on the human rights anniversary and concerns related thereto but would write all about Primo. I haven't seen him nor communicated with him since March of this year (a crook took my mobile phone away i lost all my numbers with it) and i have been up to other concerns. Last year, when he failed to hear from me at all for a couple of months( he got used knowing every big and small details of my life like a blood brother) he was very worried and tried his mighty best to find any news about me from our other friends. After our little talk over the phone and finally meeting him again (sadly at the wake of his father after two years of not seeing each other) he stopped(i hope) worrying even if he could not hear any news from me for quite a while. By now probably he knows that even though i am not always well, i always strive to be happy.
I met Primo in November of 2003 but it was only in December of that year that we started talking. Fresh from a verbal assault in public "discourtesy" of a lady who is a friend of one of his friends, i shunned people whom this lady has been connecting with- in whatever way. I have been practically unfair at that time but when someone is hurt and still hurting, like what i have been through- i did not care about fairness at the time. He was introduced by the president of our student organisation but i was unfriendly to him at the outset, simply because he was quiet and a bit reserved. He was pretty much an intellectual being a professor at the premier university in the Philippines and at the time that i met him, he was taking his doctorate studies as a scholar in the University of Melbourne. For someone trying to find her place under the sun leaving her Communication studies to do Political Science(my close friends tease me that i am a Tourism major because i love travelling while studying and enjoyed exploring all the possible places of interest in the uni and the city every single day), meeting someone like him is quite daunting for me.
I started really connecting with him when a close friend of my female friend has to go back to the country on a very urgent family concern. I have to accompany her in a farewell party hosted by Primo in his apartment. The philosopher and psychologist in him in a"truth and consequence" game has asked me a question i can still remember up to this time. " If there is any circumstance in your life that you want to change and capable of doing so at this time- what is it, and why?" I was hurting from a failed romance (without him knowing it) so that question hit me, bulls eye. I reponded by crying even though i abhor crying in public, much more in front of strangers. They have to stop this fun session, allowed me to cry and gave me cold water to drink.(When we became close, and from a friend he turned out to become my brother- he heard me laughing as loudly as i can most of the time, he confessed that i scared him really well during that night, when i first set foot in his apartment.) We then both laughed about that incident and moved forward.
Another choir (aside from the university choral society where i sang along every week) had a very special number to celebrate the United Nations Day, and we were asked to invite friends over. I chose to invite him, because i wanted to get closer to him at the time although i was not expecting, (given his very tight schedule) for him to be there. Surprisingly, he arrived and we had lunch together afterwards, joined by another then male friend and my female friend close to him. That was the start of a beautiful friendship, and later on-kinship. Having a foster father who looked like a former president and he looking like the first son himself (although i do not look every inch of the first daughter, i was our foster father's favourite "daughter"), our close friends called us as we call ourselves the "first family". Primo and me fondly called each other based on the names in the "first family" and we both called our foster father "Dad" to our own and our listener's delight.
Over our friendship, or kinship for that matter, i have learned a lot of lessons from Primo. Numerous as they are, i will focus on a few outstanding ones. First, being an observant makes someone learn more about things and about people. Most of the time, specially in parties where we usually meet, he enjoys taking photos and sits by himself instead of socialising with others and meeting more people. Remembering my dear friend Edward's email sometime four years ago saying " i'd rather watch people dance happily, than me dancing sadly" and reminiscing the wisdom that Primo had by enjoying "watching people" i relish the experience of "watching people dance happily" since then, most of the time capturing moments using my camera. Yes, participant observation as quality researchers put it, in many circumstances not only during parties(which i have shunned away from a couple of years ago due to health concerns) have given me some form of joy and taught me valuable life lessons.
Second, Primo probably unconsciously taught me the virtue of listening. A good listener himself, he is extremely articulate in our candid conversations, intellectual discussion with my brilliant friends and even in a bigger group of people with various backgrounds. He looks quiet and unassuming at the outset but when he participates in any kind of conversation, one can discover how well read, well educated and well travelled he had been, yet his feet are always firmly planted in the ground. Now i do not participate in many conversations as actively as i had been- i now enjoy listening and learn from the lessons that my listening has given me. Moreover, as he has enjoyed being a confidante to almost all who had "personal troubles" i emerged to be at certain times became a "confidante" like him and enjoyed listening. I can still express my opinions after listening intently and accordingly, it has helped these people who approached me for " help". Now i realised that simply listening can help both friends and strangers alike, but in the process, has helped me too. An author in one of my father's books that i saw in his library wrote" one cannot experience everything in his own lifetime so one has to listen to the experiences of others, and learn lessons from it. "
Third, "he practiced what he preached," so to speak. One rarely gets few words of scolding from him but most of the time, his one liners or short statements are not only "thought provoking" but makes one think deeper, search his/her own innermost thoughts and feelings, do "soul searching" maybe, and realise that he's got a point which he usually always had. Unlike his churchmates who had been flaunting about the "new faith" that they embraced, or the "bible studies" and "prayer meetings" that they held yet lived differently in contrast to that expected of them, or the teachings that they have embraced. Primo, on the other hand, never talked much about his faith- he just lived by it and simply made a difference in the process.
Fourth, he has this considerably high level of tolerance both to the very pleasant and to the extremely unpleasant people that i knew in our small society of overseas students, pretty much practicing the idea of "unconditional love". Being the brat that i had been, i refused to party, dine and talk to few unpleasant and insecure people that have hurt me either intentionally or not and he understood me very well. He never asked, requested nor pushed me to befriend his friends that i disliked(and vice versa), but respected my feelings and waited until, in my own time-heal and forgive and finally reach out to them- without his prodding in any way. I have always been very straightforward and has been in trouble for standing by my opinions eliciting some unkind reactions from other people. I funnily remember now, three years ago, he never stopped ringing me until he finally talked to me. He warned me not to visit him in his apartment nor meet him up in the city because he received a threat from someone " to show me what i deserve" by probably berating me out(for an opinion that i expressed days earlier over a mundane issue) in public. Knowing fully well the trauma that i have been through from another lady , he became very protective of me like a kind big brother and he wanted to make it sure i would not undergo the same experience all over again. Among all our friends, aside from my dear Mummy Henny, it was Primo who fully understood my thoughts and feelings about a lot of things, and people. And he knew the guys i went out with- liked a little, liked a lot, disliked, almost, or probably fell in love with . Most importantly, he fully understood me simply because we belong to almost similar childhood, with almost similar family values and almost similar threads forming our moral fibers. He knew a lot of my secrets (well, around that time those were almost public knowledge anyway) but after some time, at his suggestion, i learned to select which topics would be discussed with new friends from that of old friends or even strangers. He recognised that i have the "gift of the gab" alright, but most often than not, this gift has worked to my disadvantage.
Fifth, along with my Mummy Henny, Primo showed me the fulfillment of performing through dance. I had no problem in singing but i had lots of issues when it comes to dancing in public. Since it was the "festival of nations" all international students organisations were required to render a performance as part of the cultural exchange. It took them, along with the president of our student organisation a lot of time and effort to make me participate after telling me that the role of a dancing princess was only fit for me. Primo, practically stopped writing his thesis outline then, to accompany me in the market, (along with the organisation's former secretary) for me to select and buy the stuff that i need for that dance. And thoughtfully, he patiently designed and did a couple of wonderful fans that is necessary for me to use in that performance. On the actual performance itself, i wanted to stop in the middle of it ( i was very nervous) but he, being with the next performers awaiting their turn told me sternly to " finish it off'" when i tried to exit unceremoniously so i had to go back to the stage and perform until my part was done. It was a big help that i have to do the dancing alone so any mistake/s committed was /were never noticed by the audience at all. In fact, i was complimented for the "fantastic dance" when i passed by a group of other students enthralled by my/our dance number. We were the most photographed group offstage later.
Sixth, he showed me the simple joy of staying home especially on a warm summer. Being away from the family, i looked at my apartment like a prison at some point so i always loved to be away most of the time and go home just before midnight for a shower and sleep. Our
"tea parties" at Mummy Hen's(they finally got a sofa bed for me for my sleeping over nights, my home being away from the uni) and visiting Primo in his apartment, watching and sometimes joining him cook then eating together aftewards have showed me the simple joys of simply staying home. What was very remarkable is that he was the first who cooked lamb steak for me and i was able to appreciate this dish (i always preferred beef) and from then on, i tried to learn how to use my own stove at home, and cook for myself those " experimental dishes" as he lovingly named it.
Seventh, he showed me that "art" itself is one, if not the best form of expressing one's appreciation to another. I had difficult times while studying overseas and after overcoming my compulsion to go to the casino alone to have fun instead of talking to friends and bothering them about my troubles, i rediscovered the joy of talking it out to the waves- so i relished going to my favourite beach alone. Later, he found out that going to St Kilda Beach was a huge part of my "coping" with personal difficulties. Some other days he took his time to accompany me there- the best place i am comfortable to "open up" about my personal troubles. I was undergoing another difficult time a couple of years ago and by instinct, he sent me a photo of this beach by e-mail(i had the luxury of checking my emails regularly then) which in many ways have been my refuge from it all due to its proximity to the city. That picture have comforted me in many ways. When my Mummy Henny visited in autumn of last year, he sent me his acrylic painting of the spot where i usually linger right in front of the beach, with a note of encouragement which i always read from time to time. I had that painting(i never knew he could paint really well until i saw his work!) framed and i always bring it with me everywhere i go. When my days are not well or whenever i am in pain, i look at that painting, and it brings huge relief and encouragement to me. And i thank God for giving me the gift of having a friend doubling as a brother in Primo. Sometimes i wonder if at some point he learned from me or he enjoyed my friendship or kinship when we were still in Melbourne. My musings were answered by the first artwork that he gave me(prior to going home for Christmas break) thanking me for the laughs that i gave him, and making his stay in Melbourne much memourable by being his sister. I still keep that card to this day and it never failed to make me smile.
Finally, Primo taught me that life involves "taking risks" all the time. The last time we saw each other was in February of this year, at the wake of his father. As usual, i got lost like i alwyas do being bad in directions-but he patiently waited for me to alight from the vehicle who took me where the wake of his father was, even if there was a continuous downpour. It was a happy reunion, regardless of the circumstances and it was a joy to meet his sisters and his mom. They are one big happy family and we hit it off easily, even to his friends. I felt like it was not a meeting for the first time. I felt like a cousin or kid sister being away for few long years that they missed, coming home for a reunion(especially when his eldest sister asked me about his personal, well, lovelife but i have learned his ways of evading personal questions and keeping secrets so they only got few clues about girls who probably liked him but i did not name any particular girl). Since it was raining continuously, the eldest sister and probably the most articulate of them all (he was the youngest and the only male in the brood) asked if they can probably postpone the burial supposedly scheduled the next day. Primo refused, taking in consideration of the people who have already filed leave from work, or travelled from far places to be able to make it in the burial. His statement was profound-" What is the guarantee that even if we postpone tomorrow's burial, the weather would be better the next day, and it would not rain, the next days after?" Life is all about taking small and big risks and right there and then, i learned another lesson from my dear brother Primo.
Have a happy birthday Brother Bear Primo. I wish you all the best and i hope to see you again soon. Enjoy your day! Cheers, cheers!
Hibiscus flower by the road
"an Amorsolo setting, a rice farm"
"banana trees close to a flowering plant along the rice fields"
"the nipa hut, close to the rice fields"
"the road i travelled"
