Counting My Blessings

chocolates that i would love to have, photo by orange tulip

Anthurium i call it heart flower) planted for me, photo by orange tulip

a fountain and flowers, photo by orange tulip

"flowers as birds"-free to be beautiful, photo by Primo

one of my favourite winter photos, "birds and posies", photo by Darwin

Count your blessings, Name them one by one

Count your blessings, See what God has done

Count your blessings, Name them one by one

Count your many blessings, See what God has done

- Words by Johnson Oatman, 1897

(From the Hymn, Count your Blessings)

http://www.the-synergy.com/lyrics/cntbless.html

I have prearranged that this blog would be posted on my birthday. I have planned to be away on a holiday to relish the sun, sand and the sea. I am alive, have lived and let live. And i continue to be. I celebrate my life with thanksgiving and is thankful for people who remembered to celebrate it with me.

Today is my day and I am celebrating my very existence. I want to celebrate quietly as I have done mostly in the past, communing with nature and God, the Creator and giver of my life thanking Him for adding up another year, let alone another day in my life. Somehow I have been a survivor of sorts- yet I consider myself to be a winner in this life’s struggles. Life on earth is indeed very challenging and as humans we are given the free will on how to live it. Arguably, the adage “ Life is what we make it” is true, because we are given choices no matter what circumstances may come. I have chosen to live my life the way I exactly want it even if some, out of their love and concern encourage me to do something else or go somewhere else.. I take also this time to count my blessings and pretty much, counting is endless because in many ways, I am immensely blessed.

I am Loved
I am too much loved. I count it a great blessing having people remembering me today, and in their thoughts and in their hearts, are wishing me well. Mother said that as the first girl in a clan where majority are males, I brought a different excitement from that of my oldest brother, the first grandchild. Accordingly, my mother would wake up most mornings finding out that I am no longer beside her. My crib was almost unused because my dad and his brothers would take turns in carrying me and his sisters would always love to see how I smiled, which happened too often. However, my grandfather and grandmother were the “first priority” to have a chance to “babysit” me.

Yet I am not loved less in my mother’s family. They were quite amazed seeing a baby “flirting” early, smiling more often and laughing loudly than the other babies that they have previously taken cared of. Given my positive and negative traits then, I grew up to be almost everybody’s favourite in both clans. My brothers have enjoyed taking care of me(up to now) and my sisters have always enjoyed giving way to my whims and caprices ( yes, even until now). My parents have been and still are very supportive of my endeavours and plans. Most of the time, while I am still conceptualizing anything that comes to my mind, they pray over it – something that I found myself remiss at times. Yet I have always gathered the courage to go to any venture that I want to take because deep within, I am confident that there are people who conscientiously and regularly pray for me- the foremost of whom are my loving parents.

I have few but valuable friends
Over time, I have gathered not too many but few valuable friends who have loved me at all times. Surely they have been always willing to be there for me no matter what and has learned to love me in spite/despite of. There are times that I am very talkative and irritable or too excited and surprisingly quiet yet they have learned to deal with me with tons of patience and somehow has found the entertainment value of my odd behaviour.

My friendship with the “four seasons” have taken me "leaps and bounds". Achievers themselves in their own crafts, they have taught me a lot, always wished me well and encouraged me to be the best that I could be. I have the “Cuties”, whom I immensely miss, who nurtured me in Melbourne and sweetly named me “ Cutie” themselves with Mummy Hen taking extra care of me like her very own family. Then came the "Happy Club" whose idea of happiness is simply spending time together over movies and foods of various kinds. My old friends have stayed with me, not necessarily geographically but in many ways, emotionally.

I have friends near and far- whom I have known in various seasons and situations throughout the years who remained friends as they had been despite years or months of no regular communication at all. I have tried to name them, but in the end opted to make them unnamed in this post lest I forget some and with due respect to their privacy. But all their names and faces are kept inside my heart. Each friend has come at various times and different situations-- to offer an encouraging word, maybe to help me or save me from harm or further harm, listen to me, converse with me, share my confusion, grief and joy, travel with me, or maybe meeting them at odd or difficult or surprising situations, or simply being there for me for some huge, small or no reason at all. They have been in some ways, sent like an angel to me, making my travel on this world fun, enjoyable and meaningful.

I grew up singing with a church choir everywhere the family or I go and somehow this has helped me to shape my identity and moral fiber thus keeping me grounded me everywhere I go. I have always enjoyed activities with them beyond singing. I have met and cherished friendship with my choir mates simply because we share the same interests, and we share the faith that we both believe in. Although my other friends outside choir find this situation “very much sheltered” I have enjoyed spending time with them beyond rehearsals simply because we are similar in many ways thus can easily understand each other despite our individual differences. I never enjoyed attending bible studies in church but I see it a point not to miss a choral rehearsal because it is a continuous learning experience about teamwork, relationships and the “encouragement sessions” prior to rehearsals has been really helpful to my spiritual growth. This is also where I have most of my early social activities and where the idea of having fun is I am most comfortable with.

My housemates has been huge blessings too-- they are my family away from home doubling as friends. Staying in a dormitory, a house, a flat or an apartment with them have given me the art of making adjustments and the skill of living in harmony which has now become a part of my lifestyle. I have learned a lot from my differences and similarities with the girls (I still have to experience having guys as housemates for at least four months) I have shared my life with. Most of the time, while away from home, they are like pillows cushioning me from further pains and difficulties that life’s realities may bring. I continue to appreciate their patience in listening to my diverse stories (no matter how disinterested they could probably be), interests, opinions and sentiments about anybody and anything no matter how mundane it could be. On a very tiring day a simple smile or a warm hello from them or simply their presence has always been heartwarming.

I have worked in few organizations with varied working environment both in formal and non-formal setting, and in the process I have learned to complement with my workmates in any way I could. Working in special projects, planning and process audit has been very fulfilling with the opportunity of meeting various individuals and organizations and learning from them along the way. I always look back with pride as I remember that the arguably top corporation in the country has requested me to file my application with them(as my name was obtained from the university where I graduated from). I was young and had the yearning for a carefree life and had a different perspective of being happy then, so when I was given a huge responsibility believing in my capacities and capabilities I quit thirty days after such “promotion” more than a year of employment. It was a big decision and very odd at that, surprising the management but not my friends and for quite a time gave me the feeling of remorse. Yet I was up for something so I have chosen not to look back. Each decision and action are bound with consequences and I have learned them in the process quickly, albeit the hard way.

Working with the government, giving me the chance to meet and learn from all sectors of the society has been very fulfilling. There were a lot of disenchantment and frustration over management actions and decisions that I have witnessed- some of which were practically appalling but I have learned to be more understanding, perhaps forgiving and in time, I have learned to live with while still inside the organization.If there is one thing that I can cherish in my memourable experience with working in this organization- it’s the feeling of being much loved and accepted for who I am and could be. My workmates were a witness to my numerous opinions about some decisions I think otherwise, or about other people’s very proud behaviour and actions, yet they listened with interest and sometimes were just entertained by my musings about something that I think are excesses. Nevertheless they remind me to be quiet when I have to and behave well when I was not behaving as expected or required of me. In this workplace, I have been treated like a family- their own sister or daughter or cousin may be, to which I am much grateful.

When I am studying overseas, I was also privileged to work in a policy making body working with the federal government where I did lots of research work discovering a lot of new ideas and meeting many people in various sectors along the way. I have enjoyed the highly egalitarian working environment where the top executive would not mind bringing out the trash bin if she thinks it has to be done. Because of this job, I was able to attend parliamentary sessions, conventions business lunch and dinners and the honour of being invited for dinner at the home of my CEO along with few chosen employees on some important occasions. Even as I started as an intern, I was treated really well-pretty much a part of the workforce. And on my last day, after doing my tasks of reading, analysis and writing policy recommendations, busy people in that workplace have taken time to have coffee and cake with me in the conference room, appreciate how I have worked with them and wished me well.

On the other end, as a fashion sales assistant, I have enjoyed dressing up like the mannequin in the fashion specialty store for tourists and had fun assisting people as they fit various clothes, and arranging these clothes on display when no customer is around, or simply writing the prices, or how much discount would be given to a certain item. What I remember the most was my colleagues, very pretty girls in their own right, take turns in bringing extra sandwich for me, knowing that I am only employed part-time as a full-time student. And I relish having lunch in the park close to the store while watching people do their own thing, and have coffee with colleagues some Fridays.

I Can Elicit Stimulus

I am capable to elicit stimulus both positive and negative whatever I do and whichever I go. I have met people who smile back at me when I smile at them-including strangers, some laugh at my jokes no matter how corny they could be. I like it much when someone gives me a task to do or a responsibility to handle- big or small as this means I am entrusted with such. On the opposite, few people dislike me which is really not surprising at all given our human nature. I have always been a non-conformist, and I have always been comfortable as an “artist-in the making” in the company of intellectuals, achievers, the organized (obsessive -compulsive to some).There were instances where some disliked me at first glance or have made a pre-conceived notion of who I am as a person at first meeting without the benefit of discovering who I am as a person( which in many ways is a person with contrasts). Later, they would apologise for judging me quickly because of how I dress, carry myself or because of expressing my liberated ideas comfortably. Some become my friends while others continue disliking me which did not bother me at all. In time, I have become comfortable in the idea that “You cannot please everybody.” And my presence, eliciting stimulus either negative or positive is better I think- than being unnoticed at all.

Free to be Me
I am free to be “me.” My principle in life is quite simple, I do things “ because I want to and do not do them because I do not want to.” New acquaintances have been surprised how I tried to adhere in this so called principle which in itself is not an easy task for me. Oftentimes, I have to deal with “compromise” especially in formal working situations which have made me uncomfortable and even unhappy.. And I am looking forward to the time that I will be “in control” by venturing in activities and businesses that I love to do and can implement my ideas which are oftentimes “outside the box” .

I am quite lucky to have a disciplinarian God fearing mother and a democratic father with liberated ideas who nurtured me to be “me”. As a child, I have shown peculiar behaviour compared to my brothers and my cousins whom I grew up with. Thus, bringing me up “properly” was a challenge to my parents. But my father has allowed me to express myself in many ways I have wanted- through music, performances and leaving me alone with various books instead of playing out in the sun with other children like my brothers did. Having a kid sister few years after was a breeze- my mother has probably become happier in having a daughter where she can do what she had ever wished for- dress her like a doll, bring her to parties, teach her to dance, sing, help her to cook, fix the household and accompany her in her numerous stint as a “flower girl”. I was happy to be left alone and to do what I really wanted. In essence, they have tolerated me to be “me.”

As an adult, my upbringing has permitted me to become comfortable in expressing my opinions, including unsolicited advices over something or anything just because I want to and not necessarily being asked for. So far, I have experienced a couple of verbal assaults in public simply because I have expressed my opinion to the dislike of those concerned. Of course it was not easy for me but I find solace in the thought that during those instances, I have friends who have defended me without me asking it who are and always willing to be there for me. The first experience four years ago was quite traumatic because it is close to a church and it came from someone I have treated as a sister or mother(and has led a bible study group which eventually discontinued). The second one happened months ago while accompanying a senior citizen to buy rice at a government retail establishment. I was expecting that the senior citizen would not undergo the regular “queue” as the others have been required to do. I was assaulted three times simply because I said that they have no humanitarian consideration at all over that incident. I did not dignify both by simply not retaliating at all. I was more concerned that if I did not express how I felt which led to the assaults I would feel bad forever. And those couple of experiences will not deter me from doing the same in the future.

I can express myself in creating stuff that I can do and venturing into activities that I love to dabble upon. At present, I have focused my interests in photography and writing although I am not making money out of them- suffice would be the personal fulfillment that I have in doing so. Blogging has in many ways liberated me further, allowing me to express my thoughts about something, someone or anything under the sun. In this modern world, I have still to learn the ways of chatting on line, joining social sites like Friendster, My Space, Facebook and Multiply where some of my friends enjoy much. I still have to learn the habit of reading my emails regularly and the courtesy to reply the emails that I receive from thoughtful friends near and far. I was somewhat wondering why I joined the blogging community after I sat down in a coffee shop to listen to the Penman himself, a Creative Writing Professor, a novelist and a blogger, showing me the excitement and joy and the vast possibilities of doing so. A lawyer friend who brought me over, said “ it is your thing” and I believed her because her blogs have inspired me to do so. And I discovered that two months after that session, being orange tulip in virtual community has been therapeutic for me somehow. I am now less talkative and I have discovered that I can write in various tones. When my former professor and a Palanca Literature judge at that, who became a great friend and a life adviser(she was my Speech Communication course adviser) read my post about” The Princess of the Stars Tragedy” she encouraged me the to write professionally. And i reckon- why not?

Visiting and Discovering Wonderful Places
I am too blessed to have the chance to visit wonderful places, explore the not much unknown, meet people (some become my friends) along the way, learning and immersing in various cultures and subcultures and simply enjoying the universal elements, particularly the water. Although my filmmaker/editor friend has told me that best moments are kept inside the heart, she encouraged me to do photography which I now enjoy very much.

Traveling and photography have helped me to cope with some pains, disappointments, failures and disenchantments over people and situations. Just like photography where the photographer can choose which part should be included, or which angle one would take to have a “beautiful photo”, in the “composition phase” I have learned to look at life in my own perspective. In essence, I have opted to look at the brighter and beautiful side of things, places, situations and people. Life is beautiful to those who choose to make their lives beautiful, no matter what perspective they take and I reckon that theres is no exception on this.

I am Still Alive
Because I am still alive, I can enjoy frolicking in the sand, watching the waves lap the shores in the beach, immerse myself in the water, alone or with company of few or many. I can walk the unexplored places and discover things that are probably extraordinary. I can wake up early in the morning to see the majestic sunrise and wait until I can watch the sunset in all its splendour. I can stay on at night to find out if there will be stars, or the moon would be shining a quarter, half or full or if the sky will be totally dark at all. And I sleep excitingly wondering what will tomorrow bring.

I can enjoy listening to the chirping of the birds, the innocent banter and laughter of my nephews and my niece, and the naughty, funny or intellectual conversations with my friends and loved ones. I can relish spending time with my family most specially to my ageing parents and relatives whenever I have the chance.

Because I am still alive, I can hope and dream for better or happier days ahead at the same time being simply happy with what I have, where I am and who I am with.
Because I am still alive, I can continue to struggle to make amends to those whom I have offended- intentionally or not, to ask forgiveness to those I have wronged and learn to give forgiveness to those who have wronged me realizing that we humans are imperfect no matter how “excellent” our upbringing was, or how well-educated or well-traveled we could ever be.

And remembering how I am loved and forgiven by the Giver of life, my Creator, I am reminded to be more compassionate, more forgiving, and more understanding towards my fellow human beings.

I am still alive because I still need to learn a lot- probably a lot of loving, a lot of forgiving and giving from my fellow transients in this world.

I am still alive because I have to continue finding the purpose of my creation and live for that purpose.

And I thank God for the many blessings I can hardly count.